10 Reasons Why A Banana Would Make A Great President

It’s 2016! That means it’s an election year in the United States of America!

Anyone paying attention to this election season, whether you’re barely aware of what’s going on, or over your head in primaries and caucuses, is aware that this year has been pretty wild. There are a few presidential hopefuls that people feel strongly about, both positively and negatively, and hey, that’s excellent. Paying attention would only lead to an increased awareness of how the system works, and it’s worth evaluating every option brought to the table. Even ones that don’t seem traditional. Such is the case with the best candidate this year, the one candidate that would make sure this country moves in a positive direction. The one candidate that you didn’t know you love, or likely knew that you already loved, but now (or soon after you finish reading) know should be the next to sit in the Oval Office as President of the United States of America.

Yes, I’m talking about a banana.

A banana is hands down the best candidate that we have, and probably the best candidate that we will ever have. Now, this isn’t some sort of clickbait-y article designed to get, well, clicks, or, as one might quickly assume, created as a joke. Rather, it’s sharing the truth about the situation at hand. In these highly polarized times, only a banana can help guide us to definitive success across the board. Let’s review a few reasons why.

1. Lifespan…or lack thereof.

Bananas don’t have a long lifespan. If you’re unsure about that, you can run a simple test. First, buy a banana. Then place that banana on your shelf, table, chair, or wherever you feel a banana would be best suited. After a several days you’ll notice that the current President of the United States will likely be in better shape than the banana. As a matter of fact, if you take a quick look at history, each former presidents has had an exceptionally long lifespan  compared to your banana.

But a short lifespan is not a bad thing. A banana would know that time is limited, meaning there would be very little time wasted getting things done. Unlike past presidents that took weeks, and sometimes even months to help introduce policies that would benefit Americans, a banana would hit the ground rolling.

2. The banana would help people become better naturally

The banana, and some other, lesser known fruits, have the ability to release something known as ethylene (apparently). Ethylene basically helps other fruits nearby ripen. After a banana takes place in office, everything the banana does would have an effect on the American population. This includes helping people ripen and become better at pretty much everything that they want to do.

3. Much needed comedy in a very tense society

Sometimes, we just need to laugh. It’s common for people to move a mile a second while getting caught up in the negativity that just surrounds us. The banana would provide a bright spot (sometime literally….because it can be yellow), something we all need from time to time. Ever see someone slip on a banana peel in real life or in a cartoon? The end result is comical, and it has the unique ability to reach us all in  heartfelt ways.

4. Excellent defense

In the same token, a banana would provide a much needed defense. Ever see someone slip on a banana peel in real life or in a cartoon? Yeah, it’s funny, but it completely disables the target of the banana peel. What else can disable a target with such deadly accuracy, but still provide a comic relief while doing so?

Nothing. Only a banana.

5. Balance

Bananas are all about balance. They’ll help internally with water and chemical balance. They’ll help with acid base balance. And they can easily balance on your head. Why is this so important?

Politics is all about compromise and balance. A banana would be able to display an excellent degree of balance, leading multiple political parties to balancing the budget, or anything else that needs balancing.

6. Growth

A banana is great for growth. A banana managing our economy only means our economy would grow!

7. Always productive

A banana can have many stages in life including green, yellow, and brown. In each of these stages, a banana can be useful. Sometimes you need a very ripe banana, sometimes you need one that still has a high percentage of green. No matter what stage of life a banana is in, it has a use. Maybe you want a banana sundae. Maybe you want a banana smoothie. Hey, maybe you want Bananas Foster or Banana bread. A banana running our country in any condiction would be a banana that is always effective and useful. There would be no lame duck days for a banana, only days of absolute progress.

8. Great after expiration

But what about when a banana is no good to be eaten? What happens then? Well, a banana can return to the Earth and provide life for the future. And isn’t that something that a lot of us want? A better life for those who will come after us?

A banana knows this is the case and will instinctively create a future that our children can benefit from.

9. Internal and external polish

A banana doesn’t stop with internal fixes, but can be externally productive. Did you know that you can remove a wart with a banana? Or polish your leather shoes?

While the banana would be making our countries internal operations better, a banana handling external and foreign affairs would be equally productive. Other countries would look at the banana and see a beacon of hope coming from the United States, followed by great success on the international stage between, well, everyone.

10. Universal love and approval

This may sound like glitter, something not necessary, but adds a shine or polish, but bananas have universal appeal. When was the last time this country had a leader that pretty much everyone could rally behind? Just take a look at this chart:

Bananas pull in support from all walks of life like nothing else. With this type of support, a banana would only be able to move forward with positive results.


Bananas are clearly not overrated (they may be underrated, actually!), but they’re not used to their fullest potential. A seat in the White House would change that. Bananas have the natural ability to make everything around them better. This wouldn’t change if put in one of the most powerful positions on the planet. If 2016 is going to be anything, it should be the year that we vote a banana into office, then watch as the country reaches a new level of prosperity.


The information in this article was not verified, but was the result of quick Google searches. The author is assuming this information is true because who would lie about a banana?
7 replies
    • Annabel Love says:

      I think 538 ran a prediction model using Berrigen’s Law of proportional discords filtered through a Cascade Lens. Basically, a banana polled positively in the 99 percentile among people who have an opinion about something, opinions being based on the Fillmore Law of Reasonable Letters.

      They did say they the actual percentage was 100, but bumped it to 99%, due to Skail’s Law of Large numbers.

    • Ben Brales says:

      Clinton has never had anything ill to say about Bananas. You clearly don’t understand what it really means to be a liberal.

  1. Patrick Malles says:

    I can’t believe this doesn’t even mention Bernie Sanders. In 1981, he gave a speech, then went to have lunch, and his lunch included a banana. He had a banana 35 years ago, this shows that he loves bananas, clearly.

    • Kelly Brown says:

      Wow! Totally true. These people are totally paid for by the Clinton machine, in addition to CNN, NBC, NASA, SEPTA, the south, and a bunch of other people who claim to be Democrats. I can’t believe this. Mainstream media is corrupting everyone!

  2. Lucas Yallop says:

    Your country’s obsessions with bananas is weird. Here in my country, one that’s clearly better than yours, we do things with better fruit. Don’t bother asking what kind though. American’s wouldn’t understand.


Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply